[boricuastan]

News from the [region]Antarctic Oasis[/region] region ۩ 29 July 2014

Palentine leader reported missing


HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
The Palentine is offering 25 million (worthless) WA Credits and a Groucho mask for information leading to the recovery of its beloved leader, Emperor Captain Spaulding. Please call the office of Minister Harpo Spaulding at 866-HONK-HONK for more info.
THE 'BURGH, [nation]The Palentine[/nation] --- After weeks of rumors. the Imperial Family and Palace has finally admitted that His Dooziness, Emperor Captain Spaulding I, is missing.

The rumors began when the beloved emperor had not been seen at his golf course, the Oakmount Country Club, for weeks. Soon afterwards a story came out from the [nation]Omigodtheykilledkenny[/nation] press that Xt'Tap extremists attempted to infiltrate the palace and kidnap the emperor. It seems that a minor Xt'tap Priest issued a fatwa against Her Imperial Hotness over her refusal to pick WA Amb. Susa Batko-Yovino as her husband a couple years ago. The story states that the infiltrators made it to the emperor's sanctum and found it deserted.

After a running gun battle with Imperial Security and Jaegermonsters, two of the team of five were able to escape the palace. The palace has refused to refute or confirm the story.

An Imperial spokesman confirmed that the Emperor is missing and has said that the Imperial family is distraught with concern and worry. The official also stated that the Imperial Family will be offering a substantial reward for information leading to The Emperor's whereabouts. He confirmed that Co-Empress Jhessan and the rest of the family would not be discussing the matter with the press at the current time.

Finally, we have the rumors of what happened. Reporters recently surveyed the people of the Palentine about what they think has become of their emperor. A surprising number of those asked believe it was aliens who have abducted the emperor for nefarious reasons. Another group insist that the palace is covering up a serious and debilitating accident that the emperor suffered. (The Picayune is certain its readers will remember the infamous "Ball-Washer Incident" of late 2007 at Oakmount CC.)

A smaller group asserts that when the Emperor heard that Antigone Morgan was going to make an announcement, he fled to parts unknown, fearing that she was announcing a new movie. Finally a small minority say that the Emperor got bored and decided to go to where the action was...after all, he's done it before, they point out.

No matter what the rumors state, this newspaper pledges to the citizens of the Palentine and AO that it will not rest until the mystery is solved.


Kennyites ban Justin Bieber from nation
Er, make that..."Dustin Beaver"; also Dr. Castro

PARADISE CITY, [nation]Omigodtheykilledkenny[/nation] --- Members of the God-fearing Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party in the Federal Senate are pushing for new restrictions on issuing foreign visas, in a bill that Senate Liberals and immigration activists have blasted as prejudicial and discriminatory toward certain groups -- though not the groups one might think.

Conservatives want to give the State Department wider authority to bar high-profile figures from other countries from entering the Federal Republic.

"It's just like what they do in Britain and Canada, when they ban annoying loudmouth talk-show hosts and commentators from visiting their countries," explained Sen. Ricardo Nubio, C-Fleurdelisia, a chief sponsor of the legislation. "Only this law would have farther-reaching implications, to target people from all across the entertainment industry, including all those revolting 'pop stars' who brainwash our young people and give all the rest of us migraines with their 'music.'"

more...But Senate Liberals charge that the new restrictions would serve no other purpose than to curtail free expression. "Boy groups and pop singers may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for God's sake that's no reason to ban them from the country!" said Sen. Kay Billie Huffington, L-Kennsylvania. "If we were going after bombastic and demagogic commentators, like they do in the Commonwealth, that would be a different story. Corking that vampiric fascist mega-slut Ann Coulter's piehole, for example -- that I could get behind! Pulling the plug on Katy Perry? Eh, not so much."

[/size]
Supporters of the bill say that it's not so much the music that offends them, it's the behavior of its purveyors, perhaps most notoriously [nation]the Palentine[/nation] import Dustin Beaver, who was recently captured on a cell-phone cam pissing drunkenly into a potted plant and shouting "F#@% Manuelo Fernanda!"

"That little punk is a guest in this country!" railed Nubio. "How dare he piss all over our values and defame our venerated leaders!...Erm, OK, so maybe he was just restating what many bimbos in this country have done with Fernanda, but still. Also, what's with that kid speaking ebonics all the time and dressing up like a thug? Does he even realize he's white?"

(The Palentine, for their part, deny that Beaver even exists. "All our pop stars are cute young Japanese women. That's the law!" insisted Empress Jhessan. "Although I definitely agree with the 'f#@% Manuelo' part. I already had some for breakfast, but maybe I can skip out for an early lunch?")

Opponents of the measure fear that it could actually have broader effects than simply keeping irritating pop-culture influences out. They take especial exception to one particular provision buried within the text: "Those to whom said restrictions on entry to the Federal Republic shall apply include, but are not limited to: a) blond, angelic-looking boysingers whose repertoire consists mainly of singing the word 'baby' over and over again until listeners want to crush their MP3 players into the wall, or otherwise commit violent acts against themselves; b) 'bands' consisting of four or more young men but no instruments (or containing instruments but no discernible talent), even if one of the members seems kind of cool because he's so prolific in scoring with his friends' moms, or who leads a deliciously ironic lifestyle alternating posting reverent Muslim prayers on his Twitter feed and banging out horny young fangirls on tour; c) smug, insufferable British commentators previously known for editing ethically challenged tabloids and judging reality TV competitions, but who now spend most of their airtime delivering condescending lectures on everything that's wrong with our country, chiefly gun culture and race relations; d) wholesome yet homely Scottish singers who can belt out Broadway standards convincingly enough, but who suffer nervous breakdowns every other week; e) anyone bearing even a faint resemblance to Dr. Benjamin Castro."

"Personally, I favor the provisions forcing Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes into emergency 'preemptive' rehab programs the moment they check in at customs, and mandating that Miley Cyrus take regular classes at charm and beauty school so she'll stop dressing and acting like a drugged-up whore," observed Huffington. "Those are actually quite prudent and necessary measures in the interest of public safety -- but to add on such a hefty restrictions clause listing all the kinds of people who should be targeted for extra scrutiny just takes it a step too far."

The Faisano administration has yet to take a stance on the controversial bill, but Senate leaders have reportedly been warned not to expect much public support, and with congressional elections just around the corner, critics detect another motive behind the bill's introduction.

"Obviously this is about stoking voters' fears of foreigners destroying their way of life just in time for congressional balloting," charged Senate President pro tempore Sherman Grassley, L-Lubberland. "If they think they're going to win back the Senate this way, they got another think coming."


'Hell no, we will go!'
Retired WerePenguins pulls out of WA

DUMONT D?URVILE, [nation]Retired WerePenguins[/nation] ?-- In a surprise move earlier this year, Faithful Navigator James Blonde announced that the Nifty Fraternity of Retired WerePenguins would resign from the World Assembly and the delegate position of the Antarctic Oasis region, effective immediately, if not sooner.

more...Faithful Navigator James Blonde also reported that the budget for delegate Barry Black would be cut immediately and he would be recalled to Retired WerePenguins. "However, as of this moment," the Faithful Navigator replied, "the official bar tab in the World Assembly Stranger?s Bar is closed; paid in full."

Reaction to the news was swift. Faithful Captain, Barbara Amisha Black replied, "Wait a second? We paid the Stranger?s Bar tab in full? Why would anyone want to do that? I mean we?re leaving the World Assembly and everyone knows that the WA has no authority outside the WA. It's not like they would have attempted to collect the money. We should have bought drinks for everyone and then snuck out the back door. Damn fiscal responsibility! That?s what happens when you let a Blonde run the country!"

There have been constant reports that the real motivation for the sudden resignation from the World Assembly was not because of the Reproductive Freedoms resolution, at the time up being debated on the General Assembly floor, but the fact that the Faithful Navigator?s sex life has stagnated lately.


An exhibition (pun intended) of just some of the demonstrably sane, rational-minded opposition to the RWP government's vote against Reproductive Freedoms in the WA Snakepit-- er, "General Assembly."
The Faithful Navigator denies such allegations but added, ?On the other hand, I suppose I was guilty of reading too much Pulp Fiction novels, especially about that 'President Kennedy' getting all those movie actresses like Marylyn Monroe to his secret bedroom. So I?m kind of annoyed that no one is flocking to the Chair Officer?s official Hot Tub. Barry Black keeps saying that was because in the novel the President was married and I?m single and no one wants to get involved in a perfectly normal relationship these days. I was so depressed at one point I actually thought a Kennyite was hot ? yes that one ? we all know that one. But that had no effect on the decision to resign from the WA. None!"

Faithful Navigator James Blonde insisted that the nation is not going to change their current laws on abortions, designed from the WA General Assembly?s resolution On Abortion. "Abortion will still be available in Retired Werepenguins under the conditions listed in the resolution that was adopted by the WA and approved by the nation. Such abortions will be safe, staffed by knowledgeable people and will be done in such a manner so as to ensure that the pre-born does not experience a painful death. We firmly believe that the mention of the ability of the World Assembly to legalize, along with other member states, other specific conditions for abortions as a blanket excuse to make the resolution redundant by legalizing abortion for any reason whatsoever and to allow any idiot who fancies himself a doctor from performing dangerous surgical procedures on unsuspecting women."

Reports indicate that once Barry Black returns to Retired WerePenguins he will be immediately board a starship for The Pleiades where a meeting of the representatives of the Tzorsland Puppet Confederation will be held to determine the Confederation?s options to the resignation of Retired WerePenguins. Under the terms of the Confederation treaty, no more than one member of the Confederation may be in the World Assembly at the same time, although nothing technically prohibits none of the nations from being in the World Assembly. Representatives from Frustrated Franciscans and Blue Booted Bobbies declined to comment with the exception that both members stated that they were ?required? to attend. The only one interested was the representative from ?A Running Man? who was carrying a large twelve foot sharpened pencil. Tzorsland security finally insisted that he had to check his pencil in as regular and not as carry on luggage.


Royal wedding sets off sibling rivalry

COCKTOWN, [nation]Alqanian Antarctica[/nation] --- As The Duchess of Vliessland, 26, marries the Emperor of Italia Venetiensis, questions resurface regarding the status of her older sister, The Vicereine and Governor General, 28. The Royal Family sure seems to take its time in ensuring the royal lineage, with Princess Linda being the first of the Queen's children to wed. But perhaps some marriages are worth waiting for? As the consort of an Emperor, Linda will outrank even the Queen, albeit it is uncertain to what extent the imperial dignity will be present within the Queendom.

more...Princess Caroline, Vicereine and Governor General, Duchess of Oxliey, Her Majesty's Ambassador to Antarctic Oasis and holder of too many titles to list, seems to be using the snooze button on her biological clock as she dismisses any inquiry into her relationship status, although there have for some time circulated rumours about her potential union with various foreign dynasties. Can Alqanian Antarcticans, following the televised fiasco between the Grand Duke and the Palentine Empress, perhaps hope for a Vicereine that manages to hook up for life with someone more important, respected and permanent than, say, a Kennyite Vice President?

Although the Vicereine insists that she feels at home in Antarctica, perhaps the Antarctic Oasis is not the most likely region to find her a spouse? Potential marriage partners in speculation have included anyone from [nation]of the Quendi[/nation] to [nation]New Edom[/nation], though given the state of Alqanian foreign relations, perhaps a Stonewall Alliance member would be more likely? Or, if the Princess would be inclined to return to her home region, why not a [region]Gay[/region] neighbour? One thing we know: with her younger sister getting hitched to a Venetian Emperor, the bar is certainly set high.


Princesses Caroline (left) and Linda (right) at the Royal Advent Ball in Wilborg earlier this month.

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News from the Antarctic Oasis region ۩ 19 May 2015

Death Star falls to Kennyites, world quakes in fear


Kennyites apparently found the keys to the Flibbleites' Death Star underneath a pile of used Muppets.
WA HEADQUARTERS --- Kennyite diplomats to the General Assembly claim to have successfully pulled off a heist to wrest control of the infamous Death Star away from the dormant [nation]Flibbleites[/nation], but other government officials worry that divine intervention might rain on their world-domination parade.

National Security Adviser Capt. Jenny Chiang says she recently received the coveted keys to the old Death Star from her, uh, "captive," "Ambassador" Susa Batko-Yovino, who apparently led the raid on Bob Flibble's offices to find the keys.

"Some people might suspect that if we let a lunatic like Susa get his hands on the keys to a weapon like the Death Star, we'd never hear from him again," said Chiang, "but I have my ways of winning his loyalty!" She chuckled evilly.

"Like promising never to torture him again if he ran off without telling me," she added, under her breath, as though nearby reporters couldn't hear her.

"Don't you mean you WOULD torture him if he ran off without telling you?" asked a confused reporter.

Chiang looked up with a gaze not unlike a deer caught in the headlights. "I know what I said," she muttered angrily, stalking off.

Aids to Capt. Chiang assured reporters that what she MEANT to say was that winning control of the Star may have been a rough task -- apparently Batko-Yovino had to sneak around a sleeping guard of chocobos in order to locate the keys, beneath a massive pile of what can only be described as used Muppets (missing the essential hands up their asses) and dried-out 17-pound trouts -- but that the Kennyites were ready to wield their new power to bring "order" to the chaotic General Assembly.

But new power brings with it new worries, as the job now falls upon Kennyite diplomats to insist to GA fluffies that they do TOO have a Death Star, and will not hesitate to use it if they do not get their way on key votes -- including a repeal they've been drafting in secret for weeks, but dare not bring it up now...

"Some nitpicking rules-lawyers may try to point out that theft doesn't make the Death Star legally ours," said WA mission official George Brown. "But I think we can convince them as to the validity of our case once we blow up their precious Planet Alderaan! Heh-heh...just as soon as we figure out how the controls work."

Yes, it appears the Kennyites have hit another snag in their reckless quest for global supremacy: no one in the Kennyite military has anywhere near the technological know-how to operate a massive, ultra-advanced interstellar weapon/space station -- particularly one that has been out of use for some time (it has not been seen in action since blowing up the WA Space Research Station in 2011), and may require billions of dollars in upkeep before it's back in working order. Yet spokespersons for the Kennyite Armed Forces contend they will eventually work it all out, and have even been in secret consultations with Yeldan scientists on how to blow up a peaceful, weaponless planet.


Kennyite scientists pledge their Death Star will augur in a new Reign of Technological
Terror at the World Assembly...as soon as they figure out how the controls work.
But some members of the World Assembly are having none of it. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror the Kennyites have constructed," a Kawaiian nekomusume could be overheard snorting in the Strangers' Bar after Chiang announced she had the Death Star keys. "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Cute One."

"Wait, wait, wait! Did someone mention the Cute One?" a suddenly frightened Secretary of State Jack Riley asked reporters. "That just brings up all kinds of new problems!"

When reporters only laughed at his odd contention, Riley went on: "No, no, it's true! I was ambassador to the Eternal Kawaii! I've seen it! The power of their insane deity is terrible and awesome, and he sure as hell doesn't like new technologies designed to destroy! I tell you one thing, all the disbelievers sure had a big wake-up call when the evil Lord Gojira emerged from the waters and started smashing everything in sight!"

The reporters were rolling on the floor in hysterics as Riley tried to explain his new plan to patrol nearby mountains to make sure the Sanrio Kittens didn't descend from them with an appetite for destruction, and also the oceans in case Lord Gojira awoke from his nap, and just to be on the safe side, shrines to the Cute One on the off-chance of another zombie-critter attack.

"SHUT UP!!!!" the secretary fumed at his incredulous audience. "Once the Death Star makes me Supreme Lord and Master of the Known Universe, you are so BANISHED!!"


Controversy surrounds AO's reaching out to like-minded regions

GEHINNEHEM, Lois-Must-Die --- In a move being blasted by some residents as "way too nice," "borderline fluffy," and "just plain suck-upish," the Antarctic Oasis Department of Foreign Affairs announced that the region would suspend its usual saber-rattling against peaceful countries and railing ceaselessly against the tyranny of the World Assembly, in order to engage in some (rather uncharacteristic) interregional diplomacy.

Under the new plan, four new embassies with other regions would be constructed, and the extant relationship with [region]Osiris[/region] would be cemented via opening an official consulate in their diplomatic forum.

"Frankly, I'm against it," griped the lone charge d'affairs still working at the foreign affairs department. He took a break from snorting crack-cocaine laced with gunpowder off his desk to add: "Do you realize just annoying it is to trek out to the Ceremonial South Pole and plant another flag every time we make friends with some other region? It's not an easy trip, there's little freaks from the Evil Smurfs and N00biana you have to worry about out there, and it's colder than an Ardchoillean witch's tit, really."


The plan has also generated concern from some residents of the regions to be coddled. Apparently Osiran officials balked at the idea of closer relations with Antarctic Oasis, a few of whose residents supported (in the ironic, "this is too funny" sense, at least) the 2013 coup against the former government of Osiris.

"Man, the Dourians have been extinct for almost half a year now, yet they still come back to haunt us!" commented a Kennyite State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Apparently that old broken down mansion we had transferred the site of the former city of Douria wasn't good enough for them; their ghosts still have to hang around this crazy place."

Other regions slated for embassy construction have not raised much of a protest...yet. [region]Catholic[/region] (home of the never-uncontroversial [nation]Christian Democrats[/nation]) informed Antarctic Oasis that they normally only align themselves with other Catholic regions, but since Antarctic girls were kinda cute, and they'd like to get their numbers, they'd start a vote on whether to open relations anyway. [region]Forest[/region] -- which boasts in spades a certain commodity that many Antarctic nations obviously lack -- has already polled its residents, to a positive result. The construction of embassies between those two regions will be completed soon. [region]Glass Gallows[/region] has also exchanged embassies. The New Warsaw Pact, which requested embassies four years ago, is still considering the Antarctic offer.


Werepenguins consider 'cutting off' high profile sex-offender

DUMONT D?URVILE, [nation]Retired WerePenguins[/nation] --? As the arrangement of Former First Husband Robert Brown on charges of sexually abusing a minor begins, the recent adoption of castration as a mandatory sentence for sex offenders is raising concerns that the first, first husband in the history of the frozen nation may become a counter tenor.

A visibly nervous Robert Brown, wearing a large orange armband and handcuffs was escorted into court in order to hear the charges placed against him. Bail was denied because he was considered a flight risk, given the extreme punishment that will be applied should he be found guilty.

The debate on whether or not the application of the punishment which was established after the alleged crime was committed but before either the trial or the sentencing is an ex post facto law has been the buzz of the major talk shows and the cable news networks.

Rachael Mad Cow Brown, political commentator, author, television show host and wearer of the ugliest nerdy pair of eyeglasses the world has ever seen, expressed the liberal point of view when she said ?Chop it off!? She insisted that the punishment fitted the crime quite nicely.

Mark Loving It Red, lawyer and talk show host, sent mixed signals. ?First of all everyone is innocent until proven guilty. But I don?t see why we are discussing whether or not this violates World Assembly bans on Ex Post Facto Laws. Who cares about the World Assembly? We are no longer members of the World Assembly. As the great Aquilina Red, whose administration I once worked for, and who is the greatest navigator ever, once said, ?Let the world assemble the way they want, but we assemble to the will of our own people, and no others.??

As a small group of protestors outside the court house with the banner, ?Save Robert?s Balls,? battle with a larger group of protestors with the banner ?Chop it off,? it is clear that this will be a banner year for news networks and talk radio.


Former First Husband Robert Brown (above) reportedly would prefer being
euthanized to the barbaric punishment currently lined up for him.

Allied nation kills off another central character, sets off succession crisis

AKTOBE, Commonwealth of Independent Nations --- The Altani nation, and the entire Commonwealth, were stunned today by the announcement that the Khan Arslan (aka King Aelkyn), the ruler of the Altani for the past fourteen years, has died.

According to official reports, the Khan died as the result of an accident suffered while hunting in the rugged terrain outside the city, which serves as the Altani winter capital. The Khan was reportedly thrown from his horse, breaking his neck and killing him instantly. Further details as to the cause of the accident are not yet available; Altani and Commonwealth investigators are looking into the cause of the accident.

The sudden and unexpected death of the Altani leader has sent the entire Altani nation into displays of mourning, with most government buildings and businesses closing to allow people time to grieve. The Altani government has officially declared a two-week mourning period. Khan Arslan was a widely beloved leader, for his role in leading the Altani safely through multiple conflicts and for helping to create the Commonwealth. "While the Commonwealth of Independent Nations will rank as perhaps his greatest legacy, the tremendous resilience and perseverance he showed in leading the Altani through circumstances that would have broken and shattered most peoples will also rank high among the accomplishments of truly great leaders. Khan Arslan will be remembered as a statesman and leader of the highest order, not just in Altani or Commonwealth history, but among any record of the history of heads of state," Chief Councillor Samira Shirazi said, announcing that flags throughout the Commonwealth will be lowered in honor of the fallen leader.


What a shame. The Khan and his wife were such a cute couple! They never saw that
comet barreling straight for the capital city. Wait -- is that what happened?
While the death of the Altani leader would be enough reason for both the Altani, and the Commonwealth, to be upset, the unexpected passing of the Khan has also raised a significant question of succession.

The Khan's son, Dayan, is technically next in line to sit upon the Golden Sun Throne. However, the prince is only fourteen. He is currently under the guidance of the Regent, Eranik Zurabian. The former Chief Councillor was asked to serve as Regent by Khan Arslan when he was forced to abdicate his throne for his actions during the Valadian War. It is unclear at this time if Zurabian will continue to be Regent, or if Dayan will take the throne. It is also unclear what role the Khatun Minghan, wife of the Khan Arslan, will play in succession. There have already been calls from some Altani leaders for Minghan to void the Regency and take the throne herself until Dayan is of age, or just to take the throne outright.

The next few weeks are expected to be perilous and unsettled ones for the Altan Ulus, as the military decides which potential leader to support, and as a nation mourns the loss of one of the most loved leaders in its history. The Commonwealth government in the Hub is expected to watch the situation with grave concern as well; unrest in the largest and most powerful Commonwealth state would be disastrous for the union.


MORE TALES OF THE AO CONSPIRACY:

Boyband member leaves, a president gets new mandate

PARADISE CITY, [nation]Omigodtheykilledkenny[/nation] --- Music fans were devastated when the Naked Drummer for the popular cover band Gwen's Boy Toys decided to quit in order to give this president thing a try. President Sammy Faisano, who acceded to the country's top job when ex-President Manuelo Fernanda fled to Malibu Islands, was elected to a full term in his own right back in March. Faisano's term has been mired in scandal, as the chief executive faced accusations that his succession was actually a coup orchestrated by former federal Judge Sandy Schweitzer, that he is a closeted "brony," that he was "not tough enough" for not invading very many smaller countries to bully them around and call them terrorists, and that he was "too tough" for seizing the Death Star and "invading" the Planet Mars. Apparently Faisano's critics never heard of the "Goldilocks Defense."

His Dooziness still missing, Generalissimo Francos Spain still dead

The 'BURGH, [nation]The Palentine[/nation] --- After Emperor Captain Spaulding I vanished without a trace last year, numerous theories about what happened to him have been batted around, but few actionable leads have surfaced. Unsubstantiated stories ranging from a palace raid by Xt'Tap jihadis to an alien abduction to the terrifying prospect of a new Antigone Morgan movie have all been covered by the press, but Imperial Security has remained mum on the details. Now K-SPAN is breathing new life into the scandal with a sensational new documentary expose, "His Dooziness: The Real Story," to be aired sometime this summer.

According to the Kennyite public-affairs network, Susa Batko-Yovino, the terrorist who has blown up the World Assembly on several occasions, is actually one of the emperor's many secret love children, and now Batko-Yovino's older sister Susannah (incidentally, also the Kennyite ambassador to the imperial court) is demanding that His Dooziness pay up, lest some unfortunate photographs ever see the light of day.

Specifics about the ambassador's dossier on the emperor are scarce, but rumors abound that they include snapshots of His Dooziness yucking it up and playing golf with Iron Felix, a known COMMUNIST; another of Spaulding munching on popcorn while actually ENJOYING an Antigone Morgan flick; and yet another of him drinking champagne while flirting with the ambassador herself -- which is somewhat taboo considering she is supposedly his stepdaughter.

The palace, again, has refused comment, except to say that the emperor's incestuous run-in, even if true, would have been completely legal under international law, and that His Dooziness, a diehard Iron City? fan, would never drink champagne. Empress Jhessan's response, however, was a bit more pointed, when she made a trip to WA Headquarters just to kick a K-SPAN film crew's ass.

So long, 2014! You will not be missed.

It was a year of triumph and tragedy, of scandal and accomplishment, of repeals and blockers, of Commends and Condemns, but most importantly, it was a year of getting high as frack and laughing your asses off while you watched it all happen on TV. Retrospectives from 2014 include a compilation of lesser-known Kennyite political reports, a review and update on major stories from the Palentine, and a WerePenguin State of the Union report that must be read in order to be believed.


Empress Jhessan took a break from searching for her father to get in
some beach volleyball with Kennyite President Faisano. Yowza.

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.