[Xiomera]

Jointly written with Lauchenoiria

Once back at police headquarters, the four of them were led back to the Commissioner's office. They were greeted by a group of people in the midst of a heated discussion. Almahuatzan and the Huenyan ambassador to Salad Land, Necacoztli, were arguing with each other while Commissioner Rudhall vainly tried to calm things down. As soon as Boisselot entered with his detainees, Almahuatzan saw them. She pointed at Citlalnite. "That's him! That's the one who attacked me! I demand that he be punished along with his bird!" The guard who had been pecked in the head nodded vigorously in agreement, then winced.
 
"We rescued you from a bitey lizard and this is the thanks we get?" Yousef replied before the others could.
 
Before Almahuatzan could answer, the door to the office swung open. Bathed in a ray of sunlight that just happened to stream in through a nearby window, Bastien de Salad stopped in the entrance. The Marquis gave everyone a huge, glittering smile. Rudhall sighed under her breath as he walked in. "Forgive the interruption," he said smoothly. "But I heard that one of our guests on the island - a very important guest, apparently - had a concern with some of our civilian workers. Madame, I am the Marquis of Salad Land and I am so sorry to hear of this. Could you please tell me what happened?"
 
Rudhall started murmuring something about how the police were already investigating the incident and that the Marquis really didn’t need to trouble himself with it. "But it's no trouble!" he insisted. Rudhall smiled politely, and the sound of her teeth grinding together was only slightly audible.
 
Almahuatzan smiled triumphantly, having reached the manager of all managers. "We'll, first, that hooligan put his hands all over me," she said, pointing to Citlalnite. "Then, when I demanded to speak with his boss, he sent that filthy winged rat to attack me!" She looked at Tlotli as if the bird was plague incarnate.
 
"Actually, I think you will find that my colleague and I rescued her from one of the lizards," Citlalnite responded. He pointed to where Yousef was carrying the lizard in question in a cage. The lizard was attempting to escape the cage, hissing while doing so. "In the process of carrying out our duties, it was necessary for her own safety that I steady her."
 
"So that I could whack that lizard!" José said, demonstrating with a gesture. "Gotta catch these bitey boys!"
 
"I see," the Marquis replied, clearly enjoying José’s enthusiasm. "And when, exactly, did the parrot become involved?"
 
"Uh…" Yousef began, looking at Citlalnite uncertainly.
 
"Tlotli thought her hair was ice cream!" José lied. "Yeah, parrot ice cream flavored with, uh… Xiomeran flavor."
 
"Xiomeran flavour? Really, you couldn't come up with something better than that?" Citlalnite said. "No, in truth, Tlotli attempted to protect me from this… individual, who desires the destruction of my people."
 
"Protect you from what? She claims that you assaulted her," the Marquis said. "On an unrelated note, perhaps we could look into Xiomeran flavoring…."
 
"He did assault me! Are you accusing me of lying?" Almahuatzan said in a haughty manner. At that moment, Officer Boisselot handed the Marquis some papers. He began reading through them. "These are witness statements taken at the scene of the incident," he said finally. "They all say that after this individual stopped you to remove a lizard from you, that you actually shoved him and knocked him down. Is this true?"
 
"That is indeed what occurred," Yousef nodded. "There was a young woman filming the whole thing for social media, if you'd like further evidence."
 
The Marquis nodded in agreement, and was directed to find the influencer's video on his phone. He watched the video in silence, and then watched it again. When he was done, he put his phone away and looked at Almahuatzan. "Shoving someone to the ground for doing a public service to protect you from a lizard seems like a rather…extreme response, no?"
 
"What of it? He put his hands on me without permission," Almahuatzan said in an unbothered fashion. "He then had his infernal bird attack me! Surely that counts as an assault or as misconduct at the very least!"
 
"Oh, I don't know." The Marquis placed his chin in his hand, assuming a contemplative expression. "One could argue that your initial shove was the initial assault, and that the incident with the bird was self-defense. A bird as a not-concealed weapon, there’s an interesting thought…"
 
"The bird was set upon me well after the shove!" Almahuatzan looked at the Marquis in shock. "That was not self-defense….wait, why am I entertaining this as if it makes sense? Is everyone here insane?"
 
Yousef and Cranston shared a look, and then Yousef turned to Almahuatzan and mouthed 'yes' silently.
 
"The fact does remain though that you struck this gentleman first," the Marquis replied. He was no longer smiling. "We will provide coaching and re-training of these lizard capture agents so that they are more aware of how to treat visitors in the future."
 
Boisselot groaned slightly; he was the one who would need to do the re-training.
 
"However, since you chose to assault government agents, regretfully I must withdraw your visas to be in Salad Land. You shall be placed on the next flight back to Xiomera."
 
Rudhall had a look of horror mixed with morbid anticipation of what was about to happen. Almahuatzan's expression of bewilderment was rapidly being replaced by sheer rage. "You are expelling us? After I was the one attacked? This is an outrage! Do you know who I am?" the Xiomeran barked.
 
The Marquis grinned once more. "Yes, Madame, I do. And I don’t care. That is the privilege of being who I am."
 
Almahuatzan would have protested further, but the three Salad Land police officers who arrived to escort the Xiomerans back to their hotel had other ideas. As she got to the door, though, she did turn to face everyone in the room one last time. "You are all going to regret this," she said before walking out.
 
"Well….no, I doubt I will," the Marquis said with a slight laugh. "As for you lot…care to explain exactly what you were thinking?" he demanded of the lizard capture team.
 
“We had no idea who she was, to be fair,” Yousef pointed out. “We saw a lizard, and we tried to catch the lizard. It was only afterwards that we found out she was part of the Xiomeran imperial parliament, or whatever, and then…”
 
“Citlalnite got angry because the Xiomerans keep biting off chunks of Huenya so he set Tlotli on her,” José finished helpfully.
 
“He had a momentary lapse of judgment,” Yousef attempted to clarify. “And then, realizing he had made an error, attempted to leave the area out of shame, with the others.”
 
“Oh, I wasn’t ashamed,” José corrected. “I just realized I was late for my meat-veg appointment! Sorry, should’ve said something rather than just run off! I’m so bad at that!”
 
"No doubt," the Marquis replied with a small smile before adopting a more serious expression. "I just burned a lot of goodwill with the Xiomerans on your behalf. It doesn’t bother me much to do so, as I am not fond of the Xiomerans. However, seeing as how I could have tossed you in jail instead to gain favor with them, I trust you will honor the fact that I have done you a favor and avoid any such incidents in the future." His gaze was squarely on Citlalnite.
 
“Of course,” Yousef said quickly. “I will make sure of it. There will be no further incidents. We will carry out our… lizard duties incident-free. Right, guys?” he said sharply, leaving no room for disagreement. All he wanted was to get out of here. That wouldn’t happen if they ended up in jail again. They were going to have to grin and bear the lizard costumes a little longer.
 
“Yeah, we’ll totally be the best lizard catchers ever!” beamed José. Cranston nodded slightly in what at the very least resembled agreement.
 
“Fine, I promise I will not instruct Tlotli to harm any further members of legislatures from evil, imperialist countries,” Citlalnite huffed.
 
"I suppose that is all I can ask," the Marquis replied in a dry tone. "I will therefore accept your promise. Commissioner, I see no need to detain our lizard team any further. Would you agree?"
 
Rudhall nodded in response. If she was in agreement, though, someone would have needed to tell her face that, judging from the sour expression it bore.
 
"Very well then. You are all free to go back to work catching lizards. And since you volunteered," the Marquis said while looking at Yousef, "I am placing you in charge of your companions moving forward. Do make sure that everyone behaves."
 
"Don't worry, I will," Yousef replied. He was determined now to get this done, and over with.