[Lauchenoiria]

“Stop taking photos!” Citlalnite shouted, batting his lizard-catching net in the direction of a group of Eirian tourists. They laughed, called out something he didn’t understand, and ran off looking at the pictures on their phones. He hissed, sounding much like the creatures he was attempting to capture.

“I can’t believe you threw my phone in the sea,” moaned José, the only member of the group so far who had actually managed to catch a lizard. He’d then proceeded to ask the Thraxian, Hosseini, if he could keep it as a pet, to which the Thraxian had offered to instead feed him (José, not the lizard) to King Shapur’s cats. José had handed over the lizard.

“You kept taking pictures of us, without our consent,” Yousef pointed out.

“I was only…” José began before he was interrupted by screaming coming from one of the tourist-focused salad bars by the beach. They’d visited the place once, and ended up in the bathroom all the next day. It seemed like a good breeding ground for bitey lizards. They all began to run towards it.

“GET. IT. OFF!” shouted a Xiomeran woman wearing what Citlalnite identified as an A’pilne dress. Great, a rich Xiomeran. Just what they needed.

The lizard was biting right onto her designer dress, jaws fastened right to the bottom as the Xiomeran woman flailed back and forth, knocking over tables and chairs in her distress and hurrying to get the hell out of the salad bar. The noise became worse after she knocked over a toddler who began to scream, which in turn set off the family dog, which in turn set off the seagulls on the beach.

“Stay still,” Citlalnite told her in Huenyan as José whacked her with the net and Yousef tried to pick up the lizard by hand while wearing a pair of absurdly thick gloves.

“Here, lizard, lizard, lizard!” Yousef coaxed as the bitey creature climbed further up the dress to avoid José’s net. The woman tried to get away and Citlalnite stopped her, holding her still long enough for Yousef to pluck off the lizard and dump it in their lizard carrier.

“You’ve seen it here, folks! Live lizard capture by the - I promise I’m not making this up - Salad Land Lizard Capture Service,” came a voice from a young woman holding a high-end smartphone on a selfie stick, which was clearly live-streaming.

“Shut that off!” Yousef said to her.

“Not a chance, have you seen how many views I’m getting? This is literally my job,” she shrugged, flicking her hair in a practiced gesture.

“Influencer,” Citlalnite spat. In his mouth it took the form almost of a slur.

“Lizard merch coming soon to my online store, link in bio!” the influencer told her phone. “And remember, there’s still time to enter the contest to win a bowl of salad signed by the Marquis of Salad Land himself! Stay chill, see you tomorrow!”

Citlalnite once again hissed and began to storm towards the woman. Sensing the danger, she immediately ran off into a crowd, running easily despite her absurdly high heels, short skirt, and twenty layers of makeup. However, even if she had not fled, Citlalnite would not have gotten far, for the Xiomeran woman grabbed him and shoved him roughly to the ground.

“How DARE you touch me!” she snapped. "Do you know who I am?"

Almahuatzan, Member of the Imperial Parliament from Texca, looked angrily down at Citlalnite, and then back up at her two security escorts. "You failed to protect me from the lizard, and then from these miscreants. There will be consequences," she told her guards. Almahuatzan then looked back down at Citlalnite. "You. Explain yourself."

“He’s a member of the official Salad Land Lizard Capture Service!” José announced proudly. “See, he’s wearing the uniform!” He pointed at the lizard hat and then wagged his own lizard tail as well, to add to the point. Yousef groaned and put his head in his hand. Cranston stood, ever-silent, behind the group once again. Tlotli was nowhere to be seen.

Almahuatzan took in the "uniform", looking José up and down, before a slight sneer crossed her face. "Do you mean to tell me that you people work for what passes for a government on this island?"

“Yup!” José grinned. “Do you like my tail?”

“Apologies for my friend, he…” Yousef searched for an excuse but none came to mind, so he let the sentence trail off. “I understand that the uniforms are… unorthodox. They are likely the result of a practical joke played by someone within the government hierarchy who wishes to cause embarrassment to ourselves. But yes, we do work for the government of Salad Land, attempting to capture these escaped lizards. We apologize for any distress we have caused.”

“Speak for yourself,” Citlalnite piped up, standing up and folding his arms. “Do you know who this is?”

“Uh, no?” Yousef replied. “Should I?”

"You are speaking to the honorable Almahuatzan, Member of the Imperial Parliament from Texca and Chair of the Parliamentary Committee on National Defense," one of the guards said sternly.

“Ah, my apologies,” Yousef replied. “I am unfamiliar with Xiomeran politics, however…”

“Don’t apologize to her!” Citlalnite snapped. “She’s one of Calhualyana’s pet politicians, aiding the monster in her dreams of empire-building, conquest and oppression.”

“I didn’t know you were into politics, Citlalnite!” José said, while making faces at the lizard now trapped in the lizard cage. The lizard eyed him disdainfully.

The three Xiomerans stiffened at Citlalnite’s words. "I will not stand here and be accosted by, and insulted by, some Huenyan low-life. I insist on speaking to your superior," Almahuatzan demanded.

In response Citlalnite merely whistled.

“Oh no,” Yousef said. “Run!” he said to Almahuatzan. “Trust me, run!”

Instead of running, the two guards began looking around to see if there was a threat. Almahuatzan stood her ground. "I will not leave until I speak to your boss. You are all in very serious trouble."

“Please, I’ll take you to them, just…” Yousef trailed off as, from the sky a colorful shape began to approach at high speed. He pointed.

Tlotli was diving towards Almahuatzan at a speed that Yousef did not realize that parrots could reach. José glanced up, then grabbed the lizard cage and dove onto the beach to get out of the range of the impending catastrophe.

Upon looking up, the two guards saw the approaching bird. One of them moved to draw his sidearm, only to stop after a shout from the other guard. The two guards then promptly took Almahuatzan to the ground instead, earning them another cry of outrage from the XCP grandee.

Tlotli pecked one of the guards on the head, and then at another whistle from Citlalnite, flew back onto his owner’s shoulder, before he could dive-bomb the Xiomerans once more.

“Now, we should run!” Citlalnite shouted to the others. He took off at speed in the direction of the tourist crowds. José picked himself up from the beach and followed, lizard cage in hand. Cranston shrugged and followed as well.

“That will just make things worse!” Yousef yelled after the departing lizard-catchers, to no avail. He glanced between the crowd and the Xiomerans on the ground. He sighed and stayed where he was. “That’ll just make things worse,” he repeated, this time a mutter.

As Yousef muttered, three Salad Land police officers arrived, having been informed there was a disturbance on the beach. "You there. Officer," Almahuatzan demanded as she stood up and vainly brushed sand off her dress. "Who is in charge of these….lizard capture people?"

"Um….I think our police commissioner is?" one of the officers replied.

"Good. You will take me to speak with them at once. I have been berated, insulted and assaulted by these people in your government's employ. I insist on filing a formal complaint and possibly charges." Almahuatzan folded her arms across her chest, clearly expecting action.

As two of the officers took statements from Almahuatzan and her guards, the third walked up to Yousef. "What did you do?"