[Xiomera]

Televisions and internet devices throughout the IDU will be tuned to the X[sub]3[/sub] Network, Xiomera’s premier source for not-government-produced-but-still-government-approved programming. As the picture swoops over Tlālacuetztla, it soars over a large outdoor stadium, with a towering pyramid in the center of it surrounded by huge safety cushions. As the music builds to a dramatic crescendo, the announcer begins.

“ARE YOU READY? Because it’s time once again for the most popular show in Xiomeran history. For fifteen years now, people have come here, to Pyramid Stadium, to test their luck and see if they can win a life-changing prize: one million quetzals. And for the first time EVER, contestants from other lands will be trying their luck against the best Xiomera has to offer!”

The camera swoops down, to pan over a group of 12 people in climbing outfits emblazoned with their country’s flag standing on a stage next to the pyramid.

“Which of these twelve will have what it takes to leave Pyramid Stadium with the prize? They’re about to find out - and so will you! Because the time has come for them to take on.....the PYRAMID OF MISFORTUNE!”

The crowd in the stadium cheers wildly as the show’s host, Tohuitlnoch, jogs onto the stage. Tohuitlnoch, a former Xiomeran soldier and three-time Pyramid winner, is a huge fan favorite, as evidenced by the raucous crowd.

“Hello Xiomera and the world! Welcome to the sixteenth season of Pyramid of Misfortune! Today, we welcome a new crop of sacrifices - I mean, contestants! But we’re mixing it up for you, because the Pyramid should never be boring. For the first time, nations from all over the IDU have sent their best to compete with our best to see who’s really the best. It’s a showdown for the ages. Zamastan, Libertas Omnium Maximus, United New England, Eiria, Kerlile, Lauchenoiria and Kvask have all sent challengers to take on two Xiomerans. Will our Xiomeran contestants, Xiyāōtl and Tlachyāōtl, defend the nation’s honor and take home the prize?”

As the camera shows Xiyāōtl and Tlachyāōtl, standing with defiant looks on their faces, the Xiomeran audience cheers very loudly and shouts in Huenyan battle cries.

“Or, for the first time ever, will the one million quetzal prize and the title of Master of the Pyramid find its home in another country?”

As the camera pans over the other contestants, the crowd reacts differently. The Xiomeran audience cheers for the challengers from Kerlile and Kvask, politely but less lustily cheers for most of the other countries’ challengers, and boos noticeably for the ones from Zamastan and Lauchenoiria. A true sportsman, Tohuitlnoch takes exception to the booing.

“None of that booing! Everyone here on this stage is a winner - at least, until they lose!”

The crowd laughs and the booing dies down.

“So let’s quit wasting time! It’s time for our first four contestants to get CLIMBING!”

The crowd cheers even more loudly, ready for the fun to commence. The first four making their run up the Pyramid step forward, as their pictures and biographies flash across the screen.

“Our first four challengers, fans: Warren Jarrius, a private security contractor from Jade Harbor in Zamastan. After losing his wife in a tragic accident, he’s here seeking the prize for his kid! That’s a good cause if I ever heard one - give him a hand, everyone! Now our second challenger: Kyle Martins, from Burgundy in Libertas Omnium Maximus. He’s here to prove that even desk jockeys can be athletes - well, we’ll find out soon enough! Our third contestant: John Escalada, from Middlebury in United New England! He’s here because his brother and coach, James, dared him to take on the Pyramid. Well, John, be careful what you wish for! And the last contestant for Round 1: Alison Johnson, a top cop from New Riga in Eiria! She’s here because people underestimate her, and she’s ready to prove them wrong! Well, Alison, if you beat the Pyramid, you’ll shut them all up once and for all....but be warned. All of you...many have tried to beat the Pyramid, but let’s just say we haven’t had to pay out a lot of prizes the past fifteen years. So....good luck. You’ll need it!”

Tohuitlnoch has each contestant led to their side of the Pyramid. All four of them line up; then, a horn sounds, and all four of them run to the Pyramid and begin climbing to the second level.

On Side 1, Jarrius begins making good progress, his security training serving him well. As he makes it to the top of the second level and tries to climb onto the ledge, a Pyramid Defender, clad in a costume resembling ancient Xiomeran battle garb, suddenly jumps up from behind the stone wall of the ledge and jabs at him with a foam tipped “spear”.

On Side 2, Martins is already scaling the ledge, his athleticism giving him an edge. However, just as he begins swinging over, he discovers the stone “railing” around the ledge is coated with a slippery oil. He begins to lose his grip.

On Side 3, Escalada has a bit more trouble; he hasn’t made the ledge yet when a Pyramid Defender emerges from a hidden window and throws a fake foam “snake” at his head.

On Side 4, Johnson’s martial-arts training suddenly becomes desirable; as she is preparing to scale the stone wall around the ledge and get to level 2, another Pyramid Defender emerges. Rather than swinging a fake spear, he tries the ancient method of just pushing her off the wall.

[Democratic Republic Of Eiria]

(If Succeeds Alison gripped the wall firmly, bracing against the defender's shoves. Using a modified Judo throw, she grabbed one of his wrists with her free hand and used his momentum to throw him off the wall, and climbs to level 2.

[Libertas Omnium Maximus]

(If Succeeds Martins dug his feet into the side of the ledge, reestablishing his grip on the ledge. Stabilized, he threw his left leg over the ledge and hoisted himself up from there.

[Xiomera]

As Johnson grabs the Pyramid Defender’s wrist and yanks, he tries to plant his feet, but overcorrects and loses his balance. With a yell of dismay, he topples off the edge and makes the short fall to the safety cushion below. The crowd boos him as he bounces down the side of the safety mattress to the ground, his head hung in defeat. Tohuitlnoch doesn’t help matters, as he points at the hapless defender and yells, “Wow, you really stink at this! Don’t quit your day job....oh wait, this was your day job! Sucks to be you!” Johnson stands up on level two and raises her hands in a brief victory gesture, before looking up and realizing she still has nine levels to go.

The crowd suddenly gasps, people pointing to the side of the Pyramid where Martins is struggling. On his first attempt to throw his left leg over the ledge, it slips on the oil. Martins almost falls off the ledge, but manages just barely to regain his grip. On the second attempt to throw his leg over the ledge, he manages to get a firm grip. Martins hoists himself up to level two, as the crowd makes noises of disappointment that another person didn’t fall. Tohuitlnoch, who had been shouting “Fall! Fall! FALL!” as Martins struggled, shrugs and says “I mean, good job not falling!” He then turns to watch the other two contestants trying to get to level two.

[United New England]

(If succeeds) As the foam snake flies at his face, Escalada opens his mouth wide. Feeling the snake hit his lips, he bites down hard. Good thing I won that contest against my friends to see who could fit the most gummy worms in their mouth, Escalada thinks. As soon as he has a secure footing, he ties the snake around his head like a ninja headband to keep the sweat out of his eyes. “Thanks for the gift, dude!” he shouts at the Defender.

[Xiomera]

After Escalada dons the fake snake and yells out his thanks to the Pyramid Defender, he is greeted by a hand gesture that would be construed as rude in most countries and possibly obscene in a few. The Pyramid Defender who lobbed the snake, and then the hand gesture, then shouts in dismay as an unseen force inside the Pyramid launches him over the stone wall, to fall unceremoniously to the safety cushion below. Tohuitlnoch laughs uproariously, making a rude gesture of his own to the hapless defender.

The host then began eyeing the last side, chanting something ominous sounding in Huenyan as the final climber tries to get to the second level.

[Zamastan]

(If Succeeds Jarrius stumbled backwards from the impact of the spear, but quickly composed himself and gripped the foam. Lurching himself forward, he stammered over the Defender, and pushed it to the side to edge himself over the stone wall. Sweating profusely, he could tell he was losing stamina. He stopped for a moment to catch his breath.

[Xiomera]

As Jarrius begins climbing over the Defender and trying to push his "spear" aside, the Defender tries to defeat the maneuver by jumping over the edge, intending to take Jarrius with him. Jarrius, with a desperation fueled by momentum, manages to escape the Defender's grasp and leaps over the wall to land safely on the ledge. Tohuitlnoch shakes his head, bemused and annoyed at the same time at how badly the Defenders are faring as the four contestants begin climbing to the next level.

On Side 1, Jarrius begins his ascent when one of the climbing holds suddenly gets retracted into the wall. Losing his grip, he dangles by one hand over the cushions below.

On Side 2, Martins is climbing well when the bricks underneath him begin moving. Rapidly sliding in and out of the wall, the disappearing and reappearing bricks leave him scrambling to keep his hold on the side of the wall.

On Side 3, Escalada is likewise climbing well when his ascent is interrupted by a flock of birds released from inside the Pyramid. The birds bump into and flutter around him in their dash to escape, distracting him and making it hard to see where to grip the wall.

On Side 4, Johnson is already near the top of the second level when a cascading gush of water gushes down from above, slamming into her and making the bricks slippery.

[Zamastan]

(If Successful) Jarrius feels the jolt of the wall retracting as he desperately holds on, peering down to the cushions below. He grunts aggressively to swing himself over to another hold, and in a spurt of adrenaline, jumps between the gap in the air. Extending his arm quickly, he grasps the next climbing hold, slamming his body into the wall. He recovers with a pant and continues his climb.

[Libertas Omnium Maximus]

(If Successful) Martins realizes quickly that he is going to be knocked from the wall if he doesn't act now. Finding too bricks that had moved back into the wall, he uses these as foot-holes and leaps up onto two pushed out bricks. He then jumps off of them and scales the wall before the top bricks recede into the wall.

[United New England]

“Aaah!” Escalada yelps as a flock of birds suddenly flies out of the pyramid. A flurry of wings whacks him in the face. He tries to swat the birds away and almost loses his footing.

Regaining his balance, Escalada decides to try another tactic. It’s a good thing I always bring snacks, he thinks. Pulling a few crackers, some bubblegum, and a half-eaten banana out of his pockets, he places them on the ledge. The birds flock to the crackers and banana, hungrily devouring them. “Don’t you guys like bubblegum?” Escalada asks them. He shrugs, takes the gum back, and resumes climbing.

[Democratic Republic Of Eiria]

(If Succeeds): Alison dug into the wall as the water came down, closing her eyes and holding her breath. As soon as the water passed, she gripped the stones as hard as she can, and climbed to the next level.

[Xiomera]

When making his leap, Jarrius successfully makes the leap and grab for the climbing. However, he slams into the wall harder than planned. The sudden shock of the impact shivers up his arm. Desperately, he tries to secure his hold.....and is unable to. HIs hand slips, and he plummets downward to slam into the cushions. Tohuitlnoch actually sounds sad when he announces that the first contestant has fallen. “I was actually rooting for you....maybe we’ll take up a donation for the kid. It won’t be one million quetzals, but it’ll be something....look out!” the host shouts, seeing another contestant in trouble.

Martins, on Side 2, finds his newfound holds in the wall rapidly receding as the evil-minded people running the Pyramid push the bricks out. Just before he finds his fingers pushed off the wall, he makes his desperate leap for the bricks he is using as footholds. Those begin to disappear too; he barely manages to leap to the top of the wall and scale it in time. “Well, he made it. Good for him,” Tohuitlnoch says in a completely unconvincing voice.

On Side 3, Escalada’s gambit to feed the birds works out well for him. As the birds hungrily cluster around the food, their benefactor bemusedly scales the wall to make it to the next level.

On Side 4, Johnson’s imitation of a fish likewise pays off for her as she manages to cling to the wall for dear life. After the gushing wave passes, she calmly scales the wall as Tohuitlnoch looks slightly annoyed. “You are all proving to be too determined. We’re just going to have to try harder,” he says as the three remaining contestants make their start towards level 3.

On Side 2, Martins begins climbing grimly. Suddenly, two windows open on either side of him. Two Pyramid Defenders emerge on each side with giant foam-covered rods, taking turns hitting him, swiping at him, and jabbing at his hands and feet in an attempt to knock him off his perch.

On Side 3, Escalada is beginning to grow confident as he ascends; the crowd is also beginning to cheer him on, amused by his antics. The amusement stops abruptly when the entire wall of Side 3 begins shaking, undulating and moving in waves, determined to throw him off like a bucking horse dislodging its unwelcome rider.

On Side 4, Johnson is making steady progress when small jets begin emerging randomly from the side of the wall. Super-strong jets of compressed air and smoke begin blasting out of the jets in random and frequent intervals and locations, with the goal of blasting her off the side of the wall like a speck of food caught in a keyboard.

[United New England]

Whoa, Escalada thinks as the wall of the pyramid begins to shake. He is slammed first to one side and then to the other, over and over again. His muscles begin to hurt from clinging to the pyramid so tightly. Trying to fight the vibrations isn’t working.

Escalada anxiously calls down to his twin brother and coach, “James, what should I do?”

“I dunno, John,” James shouts back. “I guess just go with the flow!”

Like, what is that supposed to mean? John wonders. Maybe he’s saying that I should move with the vibrations instead of against them?

When the next wave of vibrations approaches, John rocks from side to side, following the movements of the pyramid wall instead of resisting them. That was surprisingly easy, he thinks.

“Thanks, bro!” he calls down to James.

“No prob, dude!” James replies. “I guess I’m pretty great at coaching. Maybe I should write a book, or like, a blog post on how to be awesome.”

“Speaking of awesome, this is actually kind of fun!” John yells as he rocks. “It’s like a new dance!”

“Everybody do it with him!” James instructs the crowd. The Xiomerans begin to swivel their hips from side to side as James is doing.

“Well shake it up baby now, twist and shout!” John sings from atop the pyramid. “C’mon-c’mon-c’mon-c’mon baby now, come on and work it on out!”

He can’t remember the next verse, so he just repeats the first one several times. By the third run-through, spectators start to sing along. By the sixth repetition, almost everyone is singing and dancing enthusiastically together. A Xiomeran guy pulls an ocarina flute from the pocket of his poncho hoodie and plays accompaniment.

Suddenly, the pyramid wall stops shaking. “I guess that’s all, folks,” John informs the crowd.

“Awww...” Audible groans of disappointment can be heard.

“Thank you Tlālacuetztla!” John shouts as he takes a bow. “I’ll be here all week!”

[Libertas Omnium Maximus]

Martins jumps up during the prod of an attacker and gets a solid grip on the rod. He yanks down, pulling the rod out of the attacker’s hand. Martins carefully swings the rod around to his other side and jabs at the other attacker, who soon disappears from view.

Martins begins his climb one handed. He imagines the rod will be useful later on.

[Democratic Republic Of Eiria]

Johnson waited until the geyser in front of her blasted and stopped, then deftly lept over it. She did the same for the next geysers in front of her, them climbed to the next floor.

[Xiomera]

The idea that Escalada will be there all week clearly irked Tohuitlnoch, but the host couldn’t do anything about it other than watch him dance safely at the top of level 3. Martins likewise deftly disarmed his would-be attacker, hefting his new weapon under his arm as he scrambles over the railing.

The Eirian, however, would not prove to have the same luck. As Johnson tried to leap over the geysers, one of them would blast her right in the face. She completely lost her grip, falling to land face first at the bottom of the Pyramid. “We knew we were giving you the water works, but no one said to do a belly flop!” Tohuitlnoch shouted in glee as Johnson struggled off the side of the safety cushion to the ground. “Better luck next time though.”

With two remaining, the climb to level 4 would face a new challenge.

At the top of the Pyramid, “bats” emerge from all four sides. They’re actually remote-controlled bat drones, that begin moving in a swarm. As Escalada and Martins try to get to level 4, the “bats” swarm around them in a whirling mass resembling a tornado of squeaking insanity.

[United New England]

Escalada watches with consternation as the bats rapidly form a neat swarm despite emerging from different sides of the pyramid. Those aren’t regular bats, he thinks. His impression is only solidified as the bats noisily approach him. Their eyes appear to be flashing red lights. Those “bats” are, like, drones or something, Escalada realizes as they begin flapping annoyingly close to his face.

He takes off his Middlebury College baseball cap and begins swatting the bat drones with it. One “bat” gets caught in the cap, and Escalada flings the drone at the pyramid wall. It hits with a thud and falls all the way down to the ground. Now there’s a strategy, he thinks.

He begins scooping up the drones in his cap, one or two at a time, and flinging them against the wall. “Bat in hat. Bat goes splat. How ‘bout that!” Escalada chants, as if reading a storybook sarcastically. A few of the drones withstand the impact and fly back toward him, but eventually he is able to damage all of the “bats” enough that they fall down. Finally, he tosses his cap in the air and catches it with his head. “That wasn’t so bat after all!” he shouts down to the crowd.

[Libertas Omnium Maximus]

Initially Martins finds himself overwhelmed by the sudden swarm of bats. They black out his vision. Martins closely hugs the wall. You have to let this pass he says to himself. He knows that all he has to do is just keep clinging to the wall.

He closes his eyes and the swarm seems more manageable. The screech of the drones is artificial. The bats are just drones. Martins knows he can handle this.

He swings out with one hand and snatches a drone out of the air. He slams it into the wall and watches the rotors crack apart. Hmm, these things are very manageable, he thinks to himself before chucking the disabled drone into the rotors of another. All he has to do is stay fixed to the wall and keep swatting at those drones.

As he swings at the next drone with his fist, knocking it clear out of the air, he continues his new mantra "stick to the wall and survive." He presses himself tightly against the wall. His hands have no grown sweaty and he is digging in hard with his legs. All the running and cycling has has payed off. He will not slip.

Martins grabs another out of the air, snaps a rotor off with his index finger, and swings wildly with it, using it as a club. Now only one drone remains as Matins drops the drone shell and presses himself tightly against the wall. He waits for the drone to come very close before lashing out and slamming the drone into the pyramid side.

Martins turns to face the audience and says: "If I worked in HR I guess I would be the axeman cause these suckers just got let go." At that he pulled the shattered drone from the wall and dropped it into the water bellow.

[Xiomera]

Tohuitlnoch is clearly growing frustrated; neither contestant is dislodged by the bat swarm. Both of them begin their ascent to Level 5. "Let's turn up the heat on these turkeys!" Tohuitlnoch shouts, with a look of pure malice on his face. "Let's turn this Pyramid into a......volcaaaaaaaaaannnnnnoooooo!"

As Escalada and Martins begin climbing towards Level 5, the audience begins chanting "Volcano" in a sound of pure glee. They know what's coming, even if the contestants don't.

As the two remaining contestants climb, the old childhood game where the floor is "lava" becomes all too real for them. The walls of the Pyramid begin oozing and spurting red glowing "lava". The artificial lava is extremely slippery; it is also hot to the touch. Not hot enough to cause serious burns, but hot enough that one wouldn't want to keep their hand in it for too long.

[United New England]

Escalada sighs as the gooey artificial lava drips down the side of the pyramid toward him. Now what am I supposed to do? he wonders. How am I gonna hold onto the pyramid through all of that slime?

He tentatively reaches out and sticks his finger in the goo. “Ow!” he gasps. It’s too hot to handle directly, he thinks. If only I had, like, gloves or whatever. Too bad I didn’t bring some of my snowboarding gear.

Balancing carefully on the ledge, Escalada takes off his shoes and removes his socks. He puts the socks on his hands like mittens, then places his shoes back on his feet and begins to climb.

The climb is difficult even with his new “mittens,” but now Escalada is able to touch the warm slime and grip the pyramid underneath. This hot goo reminds me of when I when I was in grade school, he thinks with a grin. I stole the teacher’s hot glue gun and glued the texbook cabinet closed. We got to watch a movie while the janitor worked on unsticking the door.

Feeling motivated by the amusing memory, Esclalada makes his way confidently up the pyramid.

[Libertas Omnium Maximus]

Martins probed the "lava." It was quite hot to the touch and, worse, it was very slippery.

"Ouch!" Martins cried out as a small chuck of "lava" fell into his hair.

Martins didn't know how to respond to this. He figured he could try taking his shirt of and using it to catch some of the lava and displace it but the "lava" might end up heating through the shirt too fast. It was a risk he would have to take.

He looked his feet and took his shirt of in one sweeping motion. He then used the shirt to grab large chunks of the lava. His hands were still burning hot but not to the same extent.

After a moment or two he was able to clear off enough lava to give him a path up the wall. He easily climbed the wall and flexed his muscles upon reaching the top.

[Xiomera]

While making the climb with his improvised mittens, Escalada nearly slipped several times; the socks were not the most ideal hand covering. Nevertheless, he was able to make it to the top of the level, albeit barely. When he makes it to the top, Tohuitlnoch seems begrudgingly impressed by his ingenuity.

Martins, however, would discover that a shirt is not the ideal item for catching or removing lava. The lava flowed too quickly for him to scoop it all away successfully; as he tried to scoop it all away, he lost his grip. Frantically trying to regain his grasp, he overbalanced and plummeted to the cushions below. "That's a volca-NO for you, sir!" Tohuitlnoch shouted cheefully, as Martins was helped off the cushion.

"And that does it! That's Round 1 over! Let's hear it for the winner of Round 1 - John Escalada of United New England!" the host shouted. As Escalada took a bow, Tohuitlnoch laughed. "Don't get too cocky, we'll get a chance to knock you down a peg - or off the Pyramid - soon enough. Now go sit down, shoo, shoo, because it's time for us to get ready for Round 2! We'll be right back after this commercial break!"

After the commercial break, during which the Pyramid was "reset" for the next round, Tohuitlnoch bounded back onto the stage.

"Welcome back everyone! Did you enjoy the first round? Well, get ready for Round 2! Let's meet our contestants for the next round. First up, she's a self-described reckless fun-seeker who's out to show everyone a different face of her home country! We're big fans already - say hello to Reena Patel from Kerlile!"

The crowd cheered loudly as Patel steps up and waves to the audience eagerly; while the Xiomeran contestants have the home court advantage, Patel is also clearly a fan favorite

"Our second contestant is another top cop from Eiria - let's hope he does better than his sister did! Just kidding! Let's hear it for Brody Johnson from Eiria!"

The crowd cheered and applauded politely for Johnson

"Our third contestant for Round 2 is a Maximusian nutritionist - we'll see if she has the right recipe for success on the Pyramid! Angela Willis, everyone!"

The crowd also cheered and applauded politely for Willis

"And our last contestant is Xiyāōtl. He's a sailor in the Xiomeran Navy, but you no doubt recognize him from the recruiting ads he's done for the Navy - not to mention his modeling gigs on the side. He's handsome, he's athletic, and he's single....so if he wins the Pyramid, maybe you can compete to win his heart! Xiyāōtl, the charmer from Huitzitaca - we'll see if he has what it takes to charm the Pyramid!"

Xiyāōtl gave a quick bow, and then a wink to the camera, to appreciative cheers and shouts from the crowd

"All right, enough flirting, Xiyāōtl - it's go time! Everyone start climbing - NOW!" Tohuitlnoch shouted. "The last round was a bit too hot for most of the contestants with the Volcano - let's see if we can cool things down!" the host shouts mockingly.

As the four contestants begin their ascent up the Pyramid, the Pyramid itself begins to rumble ominously. Suddenly, on all four sides, sheets of ice begin raining down on the contestants from the top of the level. Larger chunks of ice bound down the sides; from above, Pyramid Defenders begin lobbing "snowballs" of ice at the contestants. The overall effect is much like trying to climb up a slippery, fast-moving glacier while someone is lobbing balls of ice at your head in the middle of an avalanche.

[Lauchenoiria]

(If succeeds:) Patel grips the pyramid harder, dodging an ice snowball that narrowly misses her head. She looks up and glowers at the Pyramid Defender. She digs her nails in to the pyramid, using them to achieve better grip though she winces a little as she does so. She keeps climbing, slowly, making sure her grip is tight before moving the next limb, and continuing to keep one eye on the Pyramid Defenders as she dodges their snowballs.

[Democratic Republic Of Eiria]

(If succeeds): Brody latches on to an icy ledge and pullef himself up, absorbing a few snowball hits. He leaps from foothold to foothold, dodging snowballs as best he can, and pulls himself to the next level.